Please Look at What You Can't See

What you are about to read is my most disturbing and darkest secret. I've kept this secret for so long. This is me. The real me.


I am the third child in the brood of five. My mother is a high school principal in one of the well-known schools in the province. My father is a lawyer. My eldest sister Abby, is the prettiest among us. She would join beauty pageants and would win every time. The second one Kaye, got most (if not all) of my parents' brains. She had always been at the top of her class. She was the most intelligent and the brainiest until she got pregnant by some good-looking homosapien who fooled her that he was sterile. My younger sister, Melissa excels in sports. She's the team captain of the school's volleyball varsity team. And she can sing! The youngest, William, he's the 'boss' at home. Being the only boy, he's quite a big monster. Everybody spoils him. I am just left in the middle. I'm not the brightest in class but I've always been in the honor roll. Thanks to my mom who's quite a martinet when it comes to studying. But compared to my other siblings, I'm not too intelligent nor too pretty, just plain and ordinary.


I have always looked up to my dad. I wanted to be a lawyer just like him. I 'was his number one fan. But I was never his favorite until that one fateful night. I was in high school. I caught my father having an affair with my adviser. That night had led my life to a 360-degree turn-around.


I was told to shut up of course. Shutting up meant gifts, dresses and cold cash. Dad would always shower me with everything I ask him. I graduated valedictorian in high school. Mom was so proud. What she didn't know was I threatened my adviser that I will report her illicit affair with my dad to the school principal if she wouldn't give me copies of exams. And they thought I was just average?

"He would buy me gifts. I knew it was just a ploy to get under my skirt but I didn't care. I love gifts. Anyway, I was doing my sister a favor. If it was not me, it would have been someone else."

I never pursued my dream of becoming a lawyer. I wanted to get even with my dad. And the only way I could do that is to be surrounded by men. I took up Civil Engineering. And was it fate or what? My biggest competitor was my adviser's niece. Lianne was everybody's favorite. She's clever and sharp-witted. Boys just love her and she didn't even need to flirt. She plays billiards so darn well and that's why I hate her more. I was never good in sports. I couldn't even make the volleyball ball reach the net. I hate competition. I told her cousin (who's a flaming imbecile to have believed me) that his cousin is pregnant and that she's sleeping with every boy she knows. Her mother was furious. Her mother withdrew her enrolment. She was explaining her heart out but her mother was too deaf to hear the truth she was screaming. Who would believe her anyway? She had her tongue pierced.


School had been okay ever since. But at home, it was a little shaky. Abby got married right after graduation to the mayor's son. She never took the nursing board exam. Everything was alright at first until she caught her husband dancing horizontally with her best friend. Typical male huh?! They did not separate though. The mayor wouldn't let them. It would ruin his career in politics, he said. Well, I don't care.


It was not long before Kaye got pregnant courtesy of his hunk boyfriend as she would always arrogantly boast. Well, her hunk of a boyfriend (with an undersized brain) left her after finding out she was pregnant. I saw how she begged for him to stay, knelt, and cried her heart out but he still left. Pretty dumb move for somebody who had always been at the top of her class!


My hatred for my father seemed to have grown into my hatred to men in general. Abby's husband started hitting on me. He would buy me gifts. I knew it was just a ploy to get under my skirt but I didn't care. I love gifts. Anyway, I was doing my sister a favor. If it was not me, it would have been someone else. Abby didn't seem to notice. She thought her husband is a changed man. Though it would have been more appropriate to say, her husband has changed his woman.


School started to get tough. I needed to maintain my grades. I started doing favors for my teachers. I would do everything to stay on my throne. And I mean everything. Aside from my affair with my brother-in-law, I had an affair with one of my teachers as well. He's married too. Damn those married men! They all should be buried in an underground dungeon allowed up only for breeding purposes. But there's one good thing about them. They know how to keep a secret. Unlike women who would never stop whispering unless everybody hears their secrets. I have nothing against my own kind but I think that's what makes us stupid. We could never keep a secret unless maybe everyone is dead. But I intend to be an exception. Or so I thought.


I have very exciting news about my younger sister too. She borrowed a top from me and while I was looking in her drawers for it, I found a half-used pack of birth-control pills. And she's only 17! Wow, impressive family. My brother is not to be left out of course. He started bringing girls (yup, that's plural) at home whenever my parents are out. I never stopped him. The reason why boys treat girls as toys is because some girls really are.


I thought everything was going perfectly well until I fell for Jay. I befriended him, confided secrets (only those he needed to know) but he never seemed to notice. And being with him seems like torturing myself because he is everything I ever wanted but I couldn't have. And what hurts more is that, I can't show him the real me because I know he would be nauseated.


I seemed to have continued digging inside the hole I've created. I couldn't get out as much as I wanted to. But I was determined to change. For him. I stopped seeing my brother-in-law and my teacher. They didn't seem to bother. Well, both of us benefited anyway. But no matter how hard I try, everything still seems not enough. In desperation, I 'whispered' to everybody that the two of us are already a couple. Everybody knows he is my boyfriend. Except him.


Everything seemed to go as planned. But not long enough, I found out he has a girlfriend. And was it some joke or what? His girlfriend is Lianne.


I was furious. I was mad. I was infuriated. Is this what they call karma? She has been the pebble in my shoe all this time. She has been the dirt in the other side of the glass I couldn't get no matter how hard I clean it. She has been the pest that is slowly attacking the crops I am about to harvest. I've got to find the means to get her out of my way because the story, the real story is just about to begin.. LSZ